Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
