Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Someone came in the potted fern
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize