I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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