you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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