Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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