My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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