whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Randomize
