Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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