I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
