Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize