Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
