Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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