Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
