so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
MIDGETS
????
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
