Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
There r osticjed everywhere
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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