So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
