I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
