i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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