and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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