Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
