I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
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