Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
