he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize