My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
