Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
