I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
