Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
