the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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