Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
