i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
