I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
