I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
