I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
