I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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