you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
