he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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