This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
