i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
