I just saw a hot homeless man
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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