is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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