I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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