ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
