i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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