Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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