I accidentally burped into my bong.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
