I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize