Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
