Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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