She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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