every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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