You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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