I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
