i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
