Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
