Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
