She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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