Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
