My boss' voice literally gives me gas
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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