I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
