I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
